... that we visited Jas' birth mom?

Jas' birth mom messaged me a few months after she had returned home and told me she was pregnant again, planning on giving up the baby for adoption, and would be returning to Utah soon. I had been expecting this (although maybe not quite this soon) so it wasn't much of a surprise when she asked me if we wanted to take this second child, but it also broke my heart a little. Of course I wanted to take Jas' brother! How great would it be to keep siblings together! We want a big family! But Matt and I both knew we could not afford to adopt another child so soon, not to mention the fact that I am in no way, shape, or form ready to be a mother of two! I am still learning here, and can barely manage my life as it is! And that is with the best, most perfect baby in the world! 

Throughout all of Jas' adoption, the only thing keeping me from breaking down was a knowledge deep in my heart that Jas was supposed to be in our family. There were countless miracles and blessings that opened the way for her to come to our family, and I saw Heavenly Father's hand in it daily. But as I thought of this new baby coming into the world, I think Matt said it best: maybe this baby needs to be someone else's miracle. A peace settled over me as Matt said this, and it truly brought comfort to my hurting heart. We told Jasmine that we would love to take the baby, but we just couldn't right now, and she said she would still come out to Utah and find another family.

Jasmine messaged me a few weeks before Jas' birthday and said that she was finally coming to Utah soon. I wasn't surprised when she asked if she could see us and Jas, and I didn't really have a problem with it. I was nervous of course, but she had been nice to me since the adoption so I was fine with letting her see Jas. But as I started talking with family and friends about it, I found myself getting angrier and angrier. Why did she have to get pregnant so fast? Does she even care that we aren't taking the baby? Is she going to be nice to the people who adopt this baby? Why do I have to go see her? Why should I be nice to her at all? What if she is mean to me? How can she expect me to do anything for her after everything she put me through?

The more I talked about it, the more angry I felt, until I wasn't sure I could make myself see her at all. And then a few days before she came out, I got a Facebook notification on my phone. Someone I didn't recognize had liked one of my pictures. I thought to myself, it's probably one of Jasmine's friends, and pulled up the picture.

As I looked at this picture, I remembered the day that Jas was born. I remembered the look on Jasmine's face as she saw Jas for the first time. I remembered the shock and pain in her eyes and the tears streaming down her cheeks. I remembered that in my moment of incredible joy, I also felt my heart breaking for her. I remembered wiping her eyes and whispering over and over to her, "I love you, I love you so much." I remembered her face a few days later as she handed Jas to me and walked out of the NICU alone.

In that instant, a year of bitterness, fear, and pain was immediately replaced with love and gratitude. In one second, I was pulled out of my own selfishness and brought to my knees with humility. My heart swelled with love for this woman who had given up so much so that I could be a mother. I was filled with shame; not because I had done something bad, but because I knew I could and should be so much better. I was reminded that I was not the only one who had suffered, and suddenly my pain was forgotten.

The gospel of Jesus Christ teaches us that He suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane "to take upon him the pains and sicknesses of his people." The Atonement has the power to take away any pain that we feel on this earth, because Christ has already suffered it for us. He is able to take that pain from our hearts and memories if we are willing to take His yoke upon us and let Him carry our load. Our Heavenly Father forgives us constantly and loves us unconditionally, and in return He asks us to try to do the same to our brothers and sisters. That is what the Atonement is all about.

We took Jas to visit Jasmine a few days later. We went to their apartment, asked her how she was doing, and let her play with Jas. We visited for a while, and Jas showed them all of her tricks. Jasmine even taught her how to blow kisses.

The healing power of the Atonement allowed me to let go of my pain and feel love instead. I am so grateful that our Savior suffered for me so that I may be comforted when I need it. I am grateful for the unconditional love that my Heavenly Father has for me, and I pray that I may have the strength to show that love to others. I love these two miraculous angels that have forever changed my life.