... that I had my first Mother's Day?

Mother's day has been a little weird for me for a long time. Some years I handled it better than others, but mostly it has just been a slightly awkward day of hope and sadness. I knew that I would be a mother one day, but it didn't stop me from feeling like it was a day that never really applied to me. Maybe that's just the way all wives always feel before they have kids, I don't know. But I've felt that way about Mother's Day since I was twelve. And I know that there are a lot of people who struggle with Mother's Day much worse than I do, so I never want to complain.

Matt has always been so sweet to me on Mother's Day. He always made sure that I knew that he knew I would be a great mom someday. And my family would often wish me a happy future Mother's Day as well, which is also so sweet. But it has always been just a little bittersweet.

I was excited and scared for my first Mother's Day. I finally had a baby! I was finally actually a mother! I finally didn't have to stand up and accept gifts or recognition in church awkwardly because I didn't have kids yet! I finally deserved that title and those gifts and could take them unabashedly! But I also knew that at the same time, Big Jasmine was going to be somewhere feeling very, very sad.

A few days before Mother's Day, Big Jasmine had asked me if we could video chat on Mother's Day, and I said of course. I sat on my couch, held Jas in my lap, and just pointed the camera at her so that her birth mother could see her. I held the camera as Big Jasmine called over all of Jas' brothers one by one to say hello to their sister and tell her they loved her and how beautiful she is. I was nervous and very unsure of myself as I tried very carefully to say happy things that would not upset Big Jasmine. I wanted her to have a happy Mother's Day, and I did not want to ruin my own. After 20 minutes, we said goodbye and I hung up the phone with a sigh of relief. It had gone well; as well as I could have hoped for. A little later that evening, I sent her some pictures of Jas, so she could keep that memory forever.

That night, we had dinner at Matt's parent's house, made by all the men of course, and I had tons of congratulations from family and friends on my first Mother's Day. Matt promised me the best Mother's Day present yet: a trip to Harry Potter World!!! (which I have yet to cash in on... soon!) and it was a great day. And yet, still stressful... still a little bittersweet.

I am so incredibly grateful for this amazing baby girl. She is the biggest miracle that has ever happened to me in my whole entire life. I am still awestruck on a daily basis that she is ours. And yet in the midst of my joy, there is still a little sadness and a little heartbreak for her other family across the country that loves her too. So maybe Mother's Day will always be a little awkward and a little bittersweet for me. But I am tremendously grateful for it all the same.

I love being a mother so much!